White Elephant, Vol. 29

First things first.  There's a Blogger function that shows what Google searches lead to Miles and Laurel, and you all know I get great entertainment from the weird phrases that somehow point people this way.  But today someone got to M&L by googling:

my feet are super stinky and i make everyone smell them

Listen, Readers.  I assure you that I do not make everyone smell my feet and that I have not written on this theme in the past, nor do I plan to in the future.  That's just not a worry you need to consider before dropping by M&L. How, why, how and why did this happen!?!  Gah!  (I extend a dubious welcome to that new reader, if he or she is still here.)

Now, down to business.  Every February, my mom's side of the family congregates at my family's house for the annual White Elephant party. There are a lot of us with winter and spring birthdays, so it is kind of a big old birthday party.  Our family takes this quite seriously: by most counts, this year's party was the 29th annual!

What is White Elephant, you ask?  Well, it involves every participant bringing an assortment of gifts found at home or collected during the year.  "Gifts" may not be the right noun.  Some call them "beloved hand-me-downs," others "junk." They must be wrapped.  Then you pile them on the table and distribute several pairs of dice to your guests.  Your merry guests take turns rolling the dice until they get doubles and get to select a prize.  This goes on until all of the prizes are done.  Each guest shares the wonders that they've unwrapped, then the next round begins, when rolling doubles allows guests to steal prizes from each other.  I don't actually know how long that round lasts - 10 minutes? 15? - because my dad is in charge of this part of the competition.  Then the game is done.  When I was a kid, it usually ended in tears for at least one of us cousins.  (Reader, it hurts to miss out on a gumball machine.)  I should also note that I used to think this was our family's original invention until I got a little older and learned about the many variations of this game: Yankee swap and so on.

Can I keep up the trend of bolding the first line of every paragraph?  Let's see.  Oh, it's important to note that this party has a different theme each year: tropical fish, safari, etc.  This year it was plaid and snow.  Thanks to Pinterest and other sources, my mom really went full-bore with this theme.  It was pretty incredible.  Also, most of us wore plaid shirts.  Also, I made guacamole and I think she got mad at me that I skipped the steps of making it "plaid." (Sorry, Mama.)

Mashed potato snowpeople topping off beef stew

We ate and ate and ate and then started the game.  Among the items on the table: a typewriter, a telephone with cord, a huge bag full of wine corks, a bike helmet, a hat shaped like an elephant, a package of muffler bandage, a bag of aviation magazines, leopard print lingerie, a non-functioning Polaroid camera, my "Bad to the Bone" sweatshirt, a bag marked "belly button lint" and a bag full of rubber bands - among many, many, many others.  I didn't even cherry-pick the highlights, Reader - that's just a random list.

Early on, I set my sights on a Sport Kilt and emerged victorious.  What is a Sport Kilt?  I'm not exactly sure, but it seemed really important that I win it.

I also wanted some red lights shaped like hearts, but my sister took them and never looked back.  Later, I decided I regretted giving away Bad to the Bone, but it was too late.  My only hope is that it comes back to next year's party, which happens regularly.

My sister also won the bike helmet, which I had donated with the intention of her winning it. SISTER, WEAR IT!

Josh rolled doubles for a typewriter and no one tried to take it away.  Typewriters are cool!  (Yes, he is wearing his new robe.  It's plaid.)
 

We are excited to write ransom notes to each other and leave them around the apartment.

My brother won a Swiffer mini-vacuum thing and upon seeing how excited my sister was about it decided to give it to her.  He initially tried to pass it off as her birthday present, which didn't work.

So, another successful White Elephant party is in the books.  Big kudos to Mom for pulling off the snow-plaid theme seamlessly and to my entire fam for making this a tradition that's entering its fourth decade!

Horsemanning?

Those photo fads have been sweeping the internet this year, haven't they?  I've stayed pretty far away from them.  I have not planked, I have not owled, and I have not tried to emulate Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow - although I came close last night at the bowling lane, but that was more a product of nearly falling over due to horrific bowling technique than actual Tebowing.

But in yesterday's Star Tribune, a wrap-up of the year's photo fads got my family in the curious spirit.  The story included this thing called horsemanning, a photo fad of which I had not heard!  Per the article, horsemanning is "a modern revival of an old 1920s photo trick involving two people that makes one look like the head and body have been separated."  I learned later that there's even a website called horsemanning.com, complete with photo gallery.  (The whole photo technique is named after the Headless Horseman from "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow," in case your curiosity was equally piqued.)

Armed with just enough idle time after dinner, I bring you my family's best effort...at horsemanning.

My brother, after a couple of failed takes, summarized it best: "How'd they do this in the '20s?!"

Cheers!  I hope you and your loved ones have a warm, wonderful and safe New Year's Eve.  See you next year!

Check your wheels

Hey, you!  Is your car missing a tire? 

This was the sight outside my front door earlier this week.


?!?!?!?!??!!!

Is this some sort of message like the avocado and bananas?  Is it a signal?  Did my yard just look like a perfect dumping spot for a surplus tire?  Is someone cruising around St. Paul with three tires instead of four? 

It's Friday!  I will check in tomorrow with the week's recap, unless another topic strikes my fancy along the way.  Thank a veteran, give out some hugs and have a happy weekend.

A new member of my household

Last night, Josh worked late at a charity event at a bowling alley, and whenever this type of evening work event rolls around, one could make generous amounts of money staking a bet that I would be fast asleep by the time he got home.  We usually start chatting when he gets home and then I have a bear of a time falling back to sleep, so I received word last night that he would not interrupt my slumber this time.

You can imagine my surprise when he came into the room and said, "I won you something!"

My mind started churning with excitement.  What on earth was he talking about?  A raffle?  A silent auction item?  A weekend getaway?

Then I saw the prize!

My sweet boyfriend won this in one of those claw machine arcade games.  In case you don't see the dinner table for context, this thing is huge.  He has also, regrettably, already suffered a grave injury.  When victory had been secured and he was being pried out of the machine, his neck was nearly severed, which accounts for the strange droop in his neck.  It will probably require some sort of surgery. (I'm reading this over and hoping it's clear enough that "he" is the creature, not Josh.)

Once again, in case you didn't take it in fully from the first photo: This morning I rolled over and saw this face next to my bed.

Somehow, in the last 12 hours, this creature has acquired the name of Pin Man.  Pin Man declined to accompany me on this morning's run, but he does seem to enjoy a morning cup of coffee at the table.  (I don't blame him a bit.) He did not provide much assistance for the Cryptoquip but agreed that yesterday's puzzle was disappointing.

It's never a dull moment, right?  I'm a little scared to leave Pin Man unattended for the day.  One can only speculate what kind of mischief he will find.

Cat Programme

Cat Programme is a Life Idea I conceived years ago.  It's a television show that would chronicle the secret nocturnal adventures of cats, who seem so innocent and sedate by day.  You'd never guess some of the messes they'd get into, right?  I believe that they cause a whole lot more trouble than anyone would ever imagine.

So Cat Programme (British spelling, please) would involve attaching cameras to cats' heads--ideally, on little cat head-sized helmets--thus documenting officially what cats actually do while we're asleep. A critical component of the show would be the reveal, when cat owners would watch the footage and usually be alarmed.

Show host: So, what do you think your cat normally does at night?
Owner: Well, I'd say he probably sleeps, walks around our home slowly, jumps onto the couch...
Host: LET'S GO TO THE VIDEO!
Owner, watching in shock: Oh my goodness!

That's Cat Programme in a nutshell.  Perhaps because of lack of funding and logistics related to keeping a helmet on a cat's head, the idea never got off the ground. But I've always kept the show concept in mind fondly.  Last weekend, I was at home, and my mom showed me a page ripped out of the July 31 Parade magazine that's mixed in with the Sunday circulars.

Dusty is a perfect candidate for Cat Programme:

The copy reads: "Dusty, the so-called Klepto Kitty (shown on the prowl in his San Mateo, Calif. neighborhood), has pilfered more than 600 items in the past few years, including lingerie, swim trunks, and towels."

Mostly, I had to post this picture because for a section of an image rendered practically useless by a flash, Dusty's eyes sure say an awful lot.  Dusty is a cat on a mission. He is not bothered in the least by having his crimes captured on film--and dare I say, he is downright irritated by the interruption. 

We should all live our lives so boldly--but unlike Dusty, of course, try to stay within the parameters of the law.